Geo

okay dis is where I'm at.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 15:33:12 GMT

I'm most likely going to Temple next year and getting an apartment with friends.
It all comes down to what those friends are doing...their still slightly undecided...but leaning towards Temple + apartment.

if that doesn't work out. I don't really want to go there.

Backup plans:
IDC Herziliyah.
Israel would be fun. No matter what.

SUNY - Purchase.
Um. I don't know.

Temple Japan Campus
less pratical.

Yeah.

Serious time.

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 01:45:54 GMT

Urgh. I had a really bad nightmare a couple of days ago. And it's stuck with me. It wasn't a nightmare.

I guess I'm trying to act like everything is alright, when it's obviously not if I'm having dreams this depressing.

In the dream, my mom killed herself, and I was so torn apart...and I tried to look to my dad for support, but he wasn't there to help me. He needed more help than I do.

I guess I really just resent my dad right now, and I feel terrible about it. All my siblings tell me he's quote "cool guy, bad dad" and it's true. He wouldn't let me do an internship because he got "bad vibes from the company" and if I get mad at him when I think he's being unfair, he curls into the fetal position and starts crying.

I just don't get him. I feel like I have the right to be angry, but that my normal anger really hurts him.

I feel like I'm damaging him the same way I've always seen my mom damage him. I don't think I should think too hard on it, because I guess he's already damaged
but I see him playing fucking internet slot machines everyday for 10 hours (that's all he does...) and I just feel like his life has reached this pathetic state, and I'm somehow responsible for it...because I couldn't stop it.

I guess, if I take a step back I realize I'm not. And that he has 5 other kids and a lot of friends and 2 ex-wives. But I'm living with him right now, and I just want to stop this. I guess I've always idolized my dad because he is a really fucking awesome guy and my mom has always been the bad guy. But I suddenly feel less secure realizing their both seriously messed up.

And as I watch him slowly descend into old age...it scares me and bothers me that I'll never get to really know him as well as I'd like, because when I'm old enough he'd be a great guy to hang out with...and talk and visit...but I doubt I'll get that opportunity.

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 16:50:50 GMT

HEY GAYZ

if you haven't heard already, I'm done HIGH SCHOOL

and now I feel utterly lost. WHAT DO I DO WITH MYSELF? I WANT TO BE PRODUCTIVE
all my friends are going to israel for the next two months. shitson.

goals:
make $$
figure out where I'm doing my community service
do tech for b&tb
read books. Any reccomendations?
choose a second choice school to enroll in.

I really want to be productive.

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 17:28:30 GMT

Did you know Lassi from psych is in The Luck of the Irish?

god that movie is such crack. can you fit anymore irish stereotypes into one movie?
break down of the last 5 minutes.

kyle
he stole my lucky four leaf clover!

grandpa
shit! I'm a leprechaun btdubz, I need to take a flute break.

kyle
stop that grandpa! it makes me break out in uncontrollable river dancing!

they engage the thief (Seamus to few, Lassi to many) in a car chase. green convertible vs Winnebago.

The thief launches corned beef and cabbage to slow the pursuit down.
The entire conflict is settled by a basketball match.

I think that's what I'm going to do for script frenzy this year - write a cracked out old school disney channel original movie that can tango with the brilliance of "Smart House" "Brink" and many others.

now I just need a plot that's loosely centered around the cool things kids do these day, and a few cliche dated themes that promote kids to do good!

Blargh I'm in a weird mood. It's senior cut day. We had a great grade party last night, probably the last for a while. I hooked up with my prom date and I feel slightly confused. First person I had a drunk hook up with who I've actually known with and been friends with for a while? Escalate it? He's nice. I want a boy. But I'm kinda like the dude in the relationship. For some reason that really doesn't appeal to me - being the more experienced one. And also his moms psycho (I mean we can relate to each other on that level) but at the same time she's too controlling and he doesn't really get out much. But I really like him, I'm just not sure if it's as a love interest or a close friend.

I'm good at backing out before situation I get emotionally involved. I've been pretty avoidant this past week. I feel like I kick people to the curb really easily because it's hard for me to let my guard down around them.

Hmm. Things are changing. I'm done finals on a Thursday, and then I will be officially done high school

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 19:41:15 GMT

i'm back to journaling again.

I think. Things have gotten a bit overwhelming, and I've decided I need some space from my biff, so I've decided journaling will help me get through it and find whatever part of myself I feel I lost to him.

I had a really blatantly obvious dream about my mom last night. The symbolism in my dreams is always really blunt and straight forward, they're never too hard to understand.

Basically I was driving, and my mom was in the passengers seat and she just kept telling me to do the wrong things, press the wrong pedal, put the emergency break on at 90. The car went spinning out of control, and it was all my fault.

dur. that's obvious.
I also think I smoked something that was laced last night.
no fun.

My New Life Goal

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 23:52:12 GMT

My life goal changes every couple of weeks/months but right now, it's to take on the disney machine.

Where does this come from you may ask?
The fact that Miley Cyrus and the cast of High School Musical are at the oscars alongside real actors and actresses.

Kids need good, wholesome role models to look up to. Not mrs. bad voice and brightly colored hair extentions.

And by wholesome I sure don't mean bible hugging shoulder covering non drinking non smoking people. I means these stars already are that.

In a recent SNL sketch the jonas brothers proclaim that the bands rules include "no drugs, no drinking and no smoking!"

But see I'm not talking about that kind of wholesomeness
why don't we try and get kids and tweens to appreciate talent.
Like remember Tiffany Evans? The little girl who proved she had a great set of lungs on her at the age of 8?
No kids know who she is, she's fallen off the scene, when she deserves to switch lives with miley cyrus.

Heck, Justin Timberlake was one talented kid.

Disney is killing our music, and raising our kids with crap artistic values.
Pop on the radio today is already pretty dreadful. Imagine it when these kids are in charge?

I just think that people should have Dakota Fanning posters in their bedroom, and not Jonas Brothers ones.
We should teach our kids to revere talent, and not an image.

The play.

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 19:52:12 GMT

my life certainly has picked up speed. everything came crashing down all in the past week, and all my free floating anxiety has been assigned to different problems to deal with.

The play was great. I doubted it when I got the cappies reviews, but when Mrs. Lehrer and Dr. Brown said that they wanted it to be performed at an assembly, I was just bursting with joy. /Mrs. Lehrer cried after she saw it, and all I could think of was "YEAH BITCH! CRY! THIS IS YOUR FAULT ANYWAY"

bitch tried to ruin it. but I'm glad she really understood what it felt like to be told that personally she thought the play shouldn't happen at all.

It was a hit! Everyone loved it, and considering we had only managed to have one run-thru and one tech/dress THE DAY OF THE PERFORMANCE, it came together better that I could have ever imagined. Leah, Joey, Emily, AND Dina (and even zac...sorta) were all really talented and, just wow. Leah and Joey really impressed me. And Ben was really outgoing and on point in be able to do lights when we had set the lighting cues day of performance.

I hope I get nominated for Best Director. I hope everyone gets nominated. FURREALZ.

I feel accomplished, I feel like the play was a culmination of everything I learned at Akiba, and that people saw that. It really just spoke to people who saw it, Chaim Potok's wife asked me for my autograph. I just feel empowered, and like I can really succeed with what I plan on doing. I trust myself and the people around me a lot more. I feel motivated to go and do things. I've always been a slacker, never really ever able to finish one task, but this has inspired me to be more driven and define myself by my accomplishments a bit more.

Akiba has gotten more and more tyrranical. Despite Mrs. Lehrers realization, things just keep going downhill, I'm so over it and ready to graduate. 30 days is it? I'm not sure since I've only been to like 3 classes all week.

I've had a couple of epiphanies.

One - I like Daniel...I think. I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. We ended things awkwardly in 8th grade, and he hasn't been with another girl since. He's cute, he's like RSL and Bleaker mixed together. He appeals to my soft and awkward side. He's really softspoken,He was a nominee for our graduation speech and he didn't even vote for himself.he's smart and has a great sense of humor, and is going to Penn next year and I like all that but around my friends I usually come off as really outspoken and a lot dumber than I look. I don't like to prove to people that I'm smart, and I love making jokes. I don't know what he sees me as. I think because of this process he's seen a bit of the real me. I just blah, he's so quiet. I love/hate that. I need someone as loud as I am, but at the same time I need someone to kinda just offset me.

Two.
I don't know what I want to do in college. I LOVE LOVE LOVE DIRECTING. I want to make movies, but I don't REALLY want to study film, or writing. EVEN THOUGH THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO. I want to study something substantial and ...open my perspective more. Something academic, that I can use in my films or stories or stuff AND THEN I WANT TO DO WRITING. I'm not sure how to reconcile that with what college I want to go to, or what I want to major in.

three: i'm probably going to marry and doctor/lawyer/rich smart quiet jew.

not for money. def not for money. but because those are the type of people I'm attracted to. I feel a bit airheady, but also relieved and secure right now.

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 06:18:11 GMT

blargh.
my liiiife.

I've had a crap two days...actually two weeks.
getting sick is absolutely terrible. it has fucked me up so much.
I hate my house I hate not having any space, and I hate becoming absorbed in the tiny world that this house represents. the crazy off the beaten path...(not off the beaten path but, more like along the way to hell, tiny, apartment. where my world is so messed up and it's hard to keep a normal perspective that doesn't include the warped ways my parents view things.

on top of this absolute isolation, and feeling of lonliness and inability to reconnect with my friends after this little stint, the work load i missed was INBEARABLE.
like it ripped my soul out a little. and i'm not done yet. I have 2 more papers to write, and 3 finals to take.
oh and college applications to finish.
yeah. motherfucker. fuck you. i hate EVERYTHING
a school should NOT DO THIS TO A PERSON. I CAN'T GRAPPLE WITH A UNIVERSE IN WHICH AN ADMINISTRATION BELIEVES THIS IS OKAY.

and joeys trying to find a boyfriend within a 24 year old guy he met online and has now known for about a month.

why am I so socially inept, where I don't even feel like I'm able to connect with my school mates right now, yet alone random strangers

ohhhh how i can't wait for college where I can finally meet new people and reinvent my life?
i just want out of the world i have right now. I want everything to change now, and not in 6 months.

but at the same time, why am I hating on everything? why can't i see the good in what i have now, and how things might not ever be the same or this easy ever again.
i really just feel pretty lost, and angry.
aka i feel like a teenager.

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 09:25:56 GMT

okay.
new years post.
because this is the time for all that reflection crap, and I'm pretty sure that my tradition of going through old journals dating back to 2004 on new years eve isn't gonna stop, and it'll be nice to have this here.

I'm really not sure what the fuck is wrong with me.

I've tried to pull my self together this break.
My erratic sleep habits, complete isolation, and avoiding everything have come to a sudden halt. And I'm scared and annoyed, and I can't believe how crippled I was all of break.

I've had some realizations about myself, about where my life is headed. I actually wanted this break as an intense emotional rehab, but it seems to have turned out more like some crazy disaster. I just feel terrible looking back on how much I just didn't do anything at all. I just watched TV and slept like 13 hours a day. what the fuck am I running from.

I had a reunion with my siblings, which after a few drinks became fun. I spilled my heart out Jonah over a cigarette. I'm really not sure why, but it feels good, to not feel so alone with family problems. They all went through the same shit as I am, but I got the short end of the motherfuckin' stick.
I think my eldest brothers are insensitive and annoying. They never got to know me, ever. And for some reason that really bothers me. I've realized I've totally idolized my dad. And he's just as fucked up as my mom. His avoidance of all conflict has transferred to me. I've been so convinced she's been the WRONG one. Beating him into submission, but the more I find out. The less I believe that.

There's some middle ground somewhere, that's gonna be really complicated to dig to.

So that was my big emotional blast of break. It's stuck with me. The next morning felt weird. I had completely opened up to people I rarely get to see or talk to or ever have built relationships with, and it just felt so natural.

I'm starting to mature and the dating part of my life. No. Still not ready to go out and find me a boyfriend. But I'm getting a little more adventurous. I'm finally wanting one. And I'm not so wrapped up in my own destiny. I always feel like the path ahead of me is one I have to walk completely alone. I'm not sure why. But I just need to reach out and get closer to people.

I'm excited for Joey to go to Israel.

I'm excited to go to college far far away.

My mom's sorta suffocated me this break. It's not totally her fault really, just the intensity of my aversion to NOT do anything she asks me to. To hate getting caught up in her crazy world, and the idea, that my dad's world is just as crazy and I need to build my own. It looms over me and I don't know if I have the strength to do this when their around me.

I just need to remind myself she loves me, to the best of her ability.
God. It's so fucked up. I don't want to have to do that.

Maybe this is why my idea of love is so romanticized.
because I can't let go of this shit..

I'm just rambling, this is going to come out like one of Kate's old posts that took up so much space on my flist, that her inner musings alone deserved their own LJ cuts.

I think I'm ready to just push everyone away, and start a new. I'm not sure why that sounds so appealing. It just does.

I don't feel connected to anything I want to be a part of.

I hate to think that people have influence over me?
That I'll never be able to change unless I've given up them...if not just for a little bit of time.

ps. on OK!Cupid, when someone gives me 5 stars for looks, I still think that they have made a mistake.

realizations, stuff I have to do

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 18:15:43 GMT

I took today off from school. I have my period, feel like crap and just over all needed a mental health day. + today was the first time in a while where I haven't had a 1000 tests or assignments I was afraid of missing.

I have a lot of work to do. and I need a break to get myself organized

some long term stuff I have to do:

-wrap up my short story for writers workshop
-Virginia Woolf report
-term paper outline
-debate speeches (DEBATE TOURNAMENT AT ST. JOES ON SATURDAY!)

I also want to do some laundry
organize my papers
and be applied to most of my colleges by december first

despite being in immense pain, I'm in a pleasant mood for the first time in a while.
I think I have finally taken the stigma out of college for myself and finally have come to understand it isn't where you go, but what you do when you're there.

In case anyones following where I'm applying to I finally have my top schools down

Temple - Japan.
SUNY Purchase
Brooklyn College (starting in 2010, and take a gap year next year)
IDC
The New School (is expensive ...but seriously yes.)

and yeah
I'm also going to apply to Drexel as a safety,
Emerson maybe
Bennington Kind of.
and Warren Wilson as a shot in the Dark

mmk

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 06:39:11 GMT

some deep musings from my addled sleep deprived brain.

My dad's in the bathroom coughing up a lung. It's kinda scaring me, yet I don't even want to call to him and ask him if he's okay because I know he won't hear me through the door.

Why doesn't he get hearing aids.
Why does he have so much goddamn pride. He's 76 for godsake.

I just kinda want to cry right now, because I just can't get close to him, because he only hears half of what I say. this coughing spat makes me realize how old and fragile he is, and how I barely even talk to him anymore because of something that he can easily correct

fuck you dad. seriously just fuck you. thanks for wanting to communicate with me, or wanting to talk to me. srfjkhdfuheydhrfhfdfchf yeah whatever. I'm bitter

other shit? uh. I was thinking about earlier today how weird it's going to be when Joey goes to Israel. I could barely stand him being there for spring break, but for 3 months! whatever, I hope he has a sucky time.

I mean, our seperation is inevitable, I guess I'll have some time to explore my own identity without him before college which is very much what I need.

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 21:32:56 GMT

I wish I still kept a journal sometimes. And so I at least am going to do a rosh hashanah/yom kippur entry.

Since school started, I've felt rather unemotional. No, unemotional is the wrong word. More like, numb, cold and unfeeling.

Yesterday I got angry at my friends for the first time in who knows when. Probably since Israel, and it was over something so trivial. I felt terrible at first, I could imagine the four of them sitting in a car on the way to the party going "god I don't get her, she's being a huge bitch."
whenever I get angry, I automatically assume it's completely unwarranted, so I just rarely get angry.
But I realized that I shouldn't assume that about any of emotions, and to just let them be. This obviously is something deeply rooted in the relationship with my mom and all of her unwarranted anger that I had to take the brunt of, but I can't keep blaming shit on that, and need to move on.

/Also, after I realized that and moped around the house for a little, my friends texted me trying to make me feel better and it was good to know that they didn't want me angry. I've got some true friends whether I realize it or not.

Also. Yom Kippur wise, oddly timed and completley a coincidence, my mom started bursting out into tears telling me how sorry she was she didn't save any money for me for college, and I just couldn't forgive her. God, she's just so stupid sometimes. I was like, it's good to know you cared about my future.
It really bothers me that all my friends can just apply to any school they want and not even consider the cost. They don't even understand what it's like to have to choose not to apply to a school because it's so expensive.
Just like the food plan?
The school (under this new headmaster) really doesn't understand that somethings are really hard for kids on scholarships to afford, and it's really annoying.

...eventually I got over myself and forgave her. It's not like she did it on purpose.
But it was just a randomly appropriate for yom kippur coming from two secular jews

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 16:53:05 GMT

She and Him - Black Hole
She and Him - Sentimental Heart
Goldfrapp - Happiness
Goldfrapp - Clowns
Iron & Wine - 16, Maybe less
The Cardigans - Lovefool
The Cardigans - Explode
Radiohead - Worry Wort
Feist - 1234
Mathew Perryman Jones - Waiting for the Light to change
Feist - One evening
Metric - The Twist
Her Space Holiday - My Girlfriends Boyfriend

awesome mix tracklist I found on this computer...

I have a to-do list in my head, so I might as well write it down for the month of august,

today is the last day of my film class, I'll never have a chance with my boycrush again,
and I'm only half torn up about it, and not super obsessed...it was fun, to fall head over heels in love with someone even, if I don't have enough self confidence to pursue it.

stuff I want to get done in august:
Read. More. Books.
when was the last time I read a book? ... not for school?
Work out.
I worked out every day in the beginning of the summer, and then Joey broke his ankle and it went down hill. I want to do it every day of august. Starting today.
Start some college essays/Visit my top schools.
the visiting part might hold off til september when we get every other monday-wednesday off for jew holidays.
Write a letter to my june 2009 self
...this year's gonna be hectic.

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 02:03:38 GMT

I have this strange sexual confidence that I haven't felt since Israel.
anyone want to do something on saturday night that involves booze and boys?

SUPER CHEESE

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 03:53:45 GMT

Bryn Mawr Film Institute

I’m an artistic person, and out of all of the arts, Film has always been the one I feel I can connect to most. It’s hard to explain my passion for film, or where it comes from. Sometimes the entire world feels like one big movie set; I’ve grown up in center city around tons of people, and I often find myself on the outside, looking into stranger’s lives, seeing spectacles (or not-so spectacles, sometimes just daily life) happen before my eyes, that I wish I could recreate on camera. I was ecstatic when I began high school at Philadelphia High School for Creative and Performing Arts and walked into my first film class. I had never realized that my love of movies could turn into a real, productive hobby. I was there as a drama major, and acting, for me had always been about connecting to characters that someone else created. I fell in love with film, because it was about creating my own perspective, developing a sense of self.

After I left CAPA to pursue a college prep education, I didn’t really have the time or resources to pursue film again, but I’ve never lost interest. I’m active in my schools drama department, and next year I’m directing the upper school drama. Also, during the month of April this year, I participated in an internet challenge to write a 100 page screenplay in one month. (The website’s www.scriptfrenzy.com) Though I only completed 40 pages in the allotted time, and I can’t really say that what I wrote is stellar, I truly benefited from the experience. However, I can only get so far with my attempts at self education. This opportunity at Bryn Mawr Film Institute would help lay the foundations for me to pursue my interests not only this summer, but on a higher level. I really want to build a portfolio, and continue film once I graduate high school. I want to reach audiences; Not only do I want them to listen to what I have to say, but through film, I want them to feel what I feel.

Meme stolen from rain

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 19:43:01 GMT

[01] -- Go to IMDB.com and look up your 10 favorite TV shows.
[02] -- Post three official IMDB "Plot Keywords" for these 10 picks.
[03] -- LULZ @ THE KEYWORDS!
[04] -- Have your friends guess the show names.

1: Post It/Crucifix/Made for Cable TV stalker_celly
2: Misanthropy/Arrogance/Black Humor musicianatheart
3: Gay Kid/Editor/Fashion musicianatheart
4: Japanese/Memory Loss/Flying musicianatheart
5: Breast Squeezing/Brother Brother Relationship/Military unrequited_rain
6: Character Name in Title/San Francisco California/ Detective unrequited_rain
7: Rape/New York City/Rapist semirose
8: Goth Girl/Spin Off/Military stalker_celly
9: Portal/Hero/Teen Love semirose
10: Model/Judge/Contest unrequited_rain

...I should use my LJ.

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 19:19:20 GMT

I don't know why I've been having such a hard time keeping a journal.
I guess my thoughts have just been one jumbled mess.

I'm starting to gain some self confidence. I don't know.
Last night was good. I read something in 17 about self confidence and then joey called, and we seriously haven't talked on the phone together for a while. even though we've seen each other nearly every day, but it felt good.
we talked for a couple of hours, I went up on my roof for a cigarette. and this summer has been good. a summer of change sorta.
this school year was a summer of adjustment, of grasping my mind over whats happening
and now I'm trying to just come to terms with everything, and myself.

ps. OotP sucked so bad.

Voice Post

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 19:16:16 GMT

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 02:57:32 GMT

I have been static. All year, up until this point.

I've been aware there's something wrong. I haven't felt right. Just empty.
but now I've realized how to change.

My mom instilled this feeling of unworthiness into me. And now I just need to overcome it.

My therapist told me to start saying a saying to myself in the morning. over and over. and maybe I'll start to believe it.

"I am worth something. Don't take rejection so personally. It might not even be rejection at all. I'm just like everyone else, in the way where I deserve to have friends."

I just see so many places in myself for improvement. It's taken me all year to get my thoughts organized! Why can't I just be the person who I want to be.

In other news, I'm finally replacing my cellphone! yay.
no more isolating myself.

I feel embarrassed for isolating myself. it's done. it helped me realize stuff I needed to realize. It IS ABSOLUTELY NOT A REFLECTION of my ability to make friends. Just needed to write that down. Say it somewhere.

2 more finals. and then I'm done forever.
I've made a fool out of myself this year.

duhfuhledufesrdfguierfdghdfvjhefuuier

keyboard smash. I'm happy. in a weird sort of way, I feel like I'm on the road to recovery.

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 00:32:53 GMT

these past few days have sorta passed by in a daze, and have been some of the worst of my life.

there's something wrong with me. I just can't function on a normal level and be the person I want to be. It's just NOT happening. I've gone from being SERIOUSLY depressed to being really happy.

I haven't been going to my therapist I sorta took some time off to observe myself.

I need to go back, but see israel is in 2 months
and I feel like I've made these new development and if I start treatment for bipolar or something then I won't be able to go to israel or if I bring it to the attention of the snotty nosed counseler at akiba I won't be allowed to go on

I'm afraid to tell people to find an answer to be embarased to be abandoned by my close friends if they found out I was bipolar and they would think it was weird.

I just don't know what to do.

heeeeelllllllllp

for some reason I decided to pour my heart out to gracie a girl I haven't seen since last june

craziegracie11: so how are you?
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: had a bad week
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: a really bad week
craziegracie11: awww tell me
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: my friends sorta abandonned me and replaced me with this slutty ass girl who is SO ANNOYING
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: you might have met her? I dunno she's really good friends with hannah cohen
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: sasha
craziegracie11: eww
craziegracie11: heard about her/does she go to capa?
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: no she goes to my school
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: shes SO ANNOYING
craziegracie11: that suckssss
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: and then we got room request forms for my semester in israel and then BAILED ON ME
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: I was supposed to be rooming with them
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: and they're like "we're not going anymore"
craziegracie11: and you're like punch in the face
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: yeah
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: and I found out that I'm bipolar
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: so all in all
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: not a good week
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: I just looked at the bitches away message too and she's like "had a blast with AlEx and Hill down the shore! "I'm on FireEE'
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: "
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: and yeah
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: bad week
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: very bad week
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: alex and hillary are my friends
g1rl Y0US0 cr4zy: were my friends
craziegracie11: so school sucks
craziegracie11: ?
craziegracie11: lets punch em

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 21:16:16 GMT

I'm not going to get anywhere comparing myself to others.
I need to feel good about myself because of the progress I've made I can't always feel inferior. I know I'm irresponsible I wish I wasn't. I wish I tried harder. I feel so shitty.

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 20:31:14 GMT

hey guys! I'M BACK!

I've decided to try this LJ thing, xanga doesn't float my boat.

shit has been getting to me.
my roommates aren't going on muss
my anxiety won't get down.
I've been not doing my homework
I always feel like there's something wrong with me

I need to just chill out. whatever 2 more weeks of school, one more week of classes.

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 02:19:15 GMT

After days of unearthly screaming, a silent resolution had finally come to pass. My mother’s anger had been let lose and all that was left was the damage she had caused. You must be asking yourself, what could have possibly happened to incite such a reaction? It’s foggy. I actually don’t even remember the details, it could have been me forgetting to clean my room, or not doing my laundry, it wasn’t anything particularly deserving All I remember is the zombie-like feeling that consumed me. “An emotional hangover” my therapist likes to call it. My mental walls had been breached, my eyes stung from crying so much. I was overwhelmed by feelings of betrayal and rage.
Outbursts like these happen far too often. Throughout the years I have learned to rely on her less and less. My Mom has the emotional maturity of a toddler. She often in the heat of anger, shows malice to even to those she loves the most and doesn’t realize that her actions have consequences. She expects to be forgiven with no questions asked, only to repeat her actions weeks later. In order to live as peacefully as possible, I excuse her actions because at this point, she’s still in charge of most of my life.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love her. A lot the time she’s a good caring mother. We go shopping. out for dinner, all that mother-daughter fun stuff. But the other part of time she’s a monster. A being full of so much anger and hate. Where does all this emotion go?

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 05:51:06 GMT

Dear Friend,

We’ve been friends since 2nd grade, and never have you once decided to pick out a present for me yourself, In years passed, it hasn’t managed to irk me too much, but this year you have crossed the line. “My dad picked it out” is absolutely no excuse, I understand you have money problems, but your gift could have at least shown some thought. A flimsy book from the sale bin about the historical Jewish figures of America for kids. You knew it was bad, and you didn’t even care. The paperback book was cheap looking and unappealing, with it’s childish bright blue cover and oversized print. I know you know that reading is one of my favorite things to do, but I think that I am old enough now to read adult books.. I managed fine to find you a gift I knew you would really enjoy, while sticking to a tight budget. I was able to personalize it and make it something that you would remember. Now that I come to think of it, never once in our relationship have you given me something that makes me feel like you value my friendship. I was there at your bat mitzvah with a memory glass, where were you at mine? I just want you to know that I left it at your house on purpose, there isn’t enough room in my apartment for that piece of junk. I don’t plan on being back to your house to come get it again. I’m tired of being unappreciated, Thanks for nothing.

Georgia.

WARNING ANGST

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 03:04:38 GMT

...yeah I just saw the most depressing episode of Law and Order SVU.

...this girl who was bipolar lies and says she was raped, and then runs over 4 people with her car.

and she's deffended by a tom cruise like rock star who is against all forms of psychology.

...I don't think it could have hit any closer to home.

1) I have been diagnosed as slightly bi-polar. but not enough to need to take meds, just a sometimes thinger.
2) my mom is bipolar.
3) my dad was psychotic depressive and had to go through ECT (electro shock treatment)

...yeah I'm still slightly bawling. all mental illnesses have always been something that make me really depressed, but an episode that deals with the ones specifically in my familly, and being able to relate has gotten me all in a huff.

better news?
auditions? I hope he posts the cast list. I think I did bad. I'd cry if leah apple gets a better part than me.

there are millions of things I'm looking foward to.

1) cast list
2) coach wallet come in mail
3) JS test back.
4) Running with Scissors